The way it is

I'm going to vent a bit. I love the patients I take care of and am proud of my profession. I've gone to a lot of schooling and have done this for a long time. But, it is not my fault that your 24 week gestation baby is having all the problems we said it would likely have. It is not the fault of the amazing doctors and nurses I work with either. When we gave you the poor prognosis prior to delivery we were very candid with you. We were not trying to be mean but very honest. You wanted everything done so that is what we did. Maybe we shouldn't shield you from what everything is and should let you see the torture we put your cherub through. Everything is everything. You wanted a miracle and thought your child would be it. I've had to learn in life that sometimes things happen that we will never understand this side of eternity. I'm sorry your child is ill and not doing as you had hoped and prayed. I can understand more than you would ever know how hard it is to not understand and want to so badly why things are the way they are but I cannot change your circumstance as you cannot change mine. We are all dealt a hand in life and with God's strength have to make the best of it or even more than that. I know the anger you feel and the frustration. The life of a child is so precious and as I venture into this new role as a nurse practitioner I'm faced more and more everyday with the ethical dilemma of a parent wanting everything done and what is ultimately better for the child. I see the "everything" every day at work and it isn't fun and games. Your child suffers and in some cases suffers for an outcome that will be the same, only delayed, or worse than you imagined because of our intervention. We aren't God but merely His hands and I have to wonder sometimes if what we do is over the top. Should every child be saved. I have to say NO! A thousand times over NO!!!! Grief hurts and attacks us in so many ways. I understand your grief but sometimes it is time to let go and let the pain end and the healing begin.

Sophie

The Kid Code!

I know I need to post some pics and will do so soon but I had to share a funny story with you all. I'm sure we all remember the "Jinks" game where you call jinks on someone if you say the same thing at the same time and then have to say their name 3 times to "unjinks" them. Well, I was driving and the girls were in the back seat, not fighting so I wasn't paying too much attention to them. All of the sudden Yellow Bird starts yelling at Sasha. I had to interject to find out what had ruined my nice peace and quiet. Yellow Bird proceeds to tell me that Sasha had kept her "in jinks" for what amounted to about 5 minutes. She was furious and swore revenge the next time she caught Sasha "in jinks". Yellow Bird wanted to know what I would do to Sasha as a punishment for keeping her in jinks for so long. I simply told her that she didn't have to stay "in jinks" if she didn't want to. She looked at me with the most baffled and shocked face. I had suggested that she do something horrible. There is the kid code and all. It seems that minding mom and dad are optional at times (with dire consequences I'll add) but that when someone places you "in jinks" you are at their mercy. The kid code cracks me up. Whoever calls it first, gets it. Do overs are a given. And when someone places you "in jinks", you are stuck and at their mercy. If only all of life were this simple.

Love,
Sophie

Just updating everyone

I've been super busy and will be glad when school is finally done. I've had some exciting adventures though. I've been able to intubate, put central lines in and do lumbar punctures (LP). And, I have to brag that my LP was a champagne tap (0 red blood cells - very hard to obtain). The attending brought me a bottle of champagne.

We were also able to attend one of Craig Biggio's last games. He has retired and we will miss chanting BIGGIO at the games but 20 years is probably enough baseball playing for any one person. We had nose bleed seats for the game and thanks to the UPS Moving Team we were moved to field level - awesome seats. There were over 40,000 people there and we were picked to move. How awesome is that? I have pics of Leopold's face (you will see how it got us noted) and will post them soon. Just no time right now.

Well, I was just letting everyone know that we are alive and well. Two months and school is done. I cannot wait. It has been an adventure and at times down right trying but I'm almost done and in a humble way beginning to think that I just may be able to do this Neonatal Nurse Practitioner thing.

Love ya',
Sophie