Miracles

I'm blessed to live in an area with an awesome Christian radio station, KSBJ. On my way home from work this morning they were discussing those God moments. It made me think of one of mine. Before I went back to school, my main job was running a long term heart-lung bypass machine called ECMO. We are one of the few centers in the country that not only do neonates but also pediatric and adult patients. The survival rate for children and up is only about 50/50. We had had several bad runs with bad outcomes. It always seemed to be that I was the one there to watch the child die. One night I was sitting the pump and this little girl we were pumping was not doing well at all. Her run had been one of the worst. It was about 4am and she was dying in spite of all we were doing. There isn't much more to offer than complete heart/lung bypass. I called the surgeon to let him know she was going down. He gently said that we had offered all we had to give her and to just keep doing the best I could until the family could get there. I began praying, selfishly I will admit now. I just couldn't imagine watching another child die or listen to another parent say their final goodbyes to their child. I prayed with all my might that God would not let this child die. I was working feverishly and praying just as hard. Before my eyes, in a literal blink of an eye, she got better. I had to start weaning her off the pump because she was doing so well. When the surgeon called back to check on things I told him we were ready to come off pump. He just couldn't believe it. We took her off that morning but not to die like I had thought we would. She was better. She was alive. In medicine we try to say it was this medicine or this treatment that cured the patient. But, I'm here to tell you that in all my years of ECMO experience, there is no medical reason that child lived. God reached His hand down and healed her in the blink of an eye. To this day I'm still amazed when I think of it. Who knows why God spared that child's life. But, I do know He cared about my heart that day and I like to think spared me from the grief of another patient dying. I know my grief can't compare to the family's but it gets hard watching children die. It is hard listening to the parents say good-bye to their child for the last time. I cannot imagine the words I would say and could I ever say enough. How do you let your child go? I've witnessed it more times than I wish I could say, but I still don't know how, as a parent, you let go. We try to distance ourselves emotionally as nurses, but it isn't always possible. I've cried more times that I can count with my patients and on the way home. I do know that my job makes me realize how blessed I am to have healthy children, to cherish each and every moment with them, to enjoy watching them grow in wisdom, grace and absolute beauty. I'm thankful that I will be moving away from the ECMO pump in my new role as an NNP. I will still have some patients die but not like one on ECMO. It is NEVER an easy way to go. But, forever in my heart, will be the patients I have cared for and how they have so deeply touched my life and impacted it for the better.